Why Adult Friendships Are So Hard—And How to Build Ones That Actually Last

This blog is all about cultivating adult friendships.

I’m a Girl’s Girl

I’m a girl’s girl. I’ve always had a community of friends like, a lot of friends. I say that proudly because each friendship holds its own unique story.

Why Community Matters to Me (and God)

I’ve got friends I trained with at Fort Knox, walking through the trenches of hot Kentucky summer training together. I’ve got friends I took my very first out-of-the-country trip with. Some friends have been in my life since high school, and we’ve shared our wild story journey. There are the ones I used to pretend we were Destiny’s Child with, putting on porch concerts for the neighborhood. My college friends witnessed my transformation when I gave my life to Christ. And then there are the friends who’ve walked with me through divorce, growth, and motherhood—the ones who’ve witnessed and helped me evolve into the woman I am today. 

But I don’t do life with all of them, and that’s the thing: it’s not about quantity but quality.

So, community is important to me. And more importantly, community matters to God. He didn’t create you to live in isolation. When you are in isolation, you are susceptible to spiritual attack, your own way of thinking, and disconnection with God. 

You are created for community. We first see it in God Himself: three in one—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Throughout scripture, we see reminders like, “Iron sharpens iron,” which only happens in community, or, “A cord of three strands is not easily broken,” which happens in relationships. 

Why Friendship Fades

I recently heard something that really captured why friendships sometimes fall apart. I  love it when I find language that can better explain a thought in my head that I may not necessarily be able to verbalize. 

This conversation between Jay Shetty and Emma Grede really hit home, and I want to share a part of it with you. I think it perfectly explains why some friendships fade—and it’s too good not to pass along.

“Your relationships are only as good as the stories you’ve lived together and memories you’ve made, and if you stop making stories and memories with people, then you are constantly living in the past. And you see that in so many friendships when you are no longer creating together, you have nothing but your old memories, and afterwhile that dwindles, so you need to consistently create (big or small) but find something that you can live out, and you see to fruition together. And to keep doing it and to keep getting excited together. Rather than just “How was your day?” and you both talk about your own world and their world. You are living your lives entirelyseparated.”

Growth Can Be Uncomfortable (and That’s Okay)

Some people are limited to the person you used to be and a version of you that no longer exists. We only know people from where we were last. The challenge is that sometimes people don’t want you to change; they would rather you stay the same because it unintentionally makes people feel uncomfortable, insecure, or even left behind. This may not be the case for everyone, but here’s the thing: when you start growing, healing, and stepping into newness, that change can disrupt comfort zones. However, your evolving isn’t meant to please everyone, but it’s meant to honor and celebrate who you’re becoming.

Some people might:

•  Feel threatened by your growth because it highlights areas they haven’t addressed in themselves.
• Fear of losing the version of you they’re familiar with—it messes with the stability they’ve come to rely on.
• Worry about how your change affects the relationship dynamic—whether that’s friendship, family, or romantic.

I Had to Do My Own Reconciliation Work

Recently the Lord was leading me to reconcile with an old friend. And you know, we often assume that reconciliation means we have to go back to being close or staying connected—but that’s not always the case.

What matters is being clear about what you want the relationship to look like moving forward. For me, it was about honoring God’s call to “reconcile with your brother.” So that’s what I did.

There was no expectations to picking up where we left off, but I knew I needed to offer an apology—even when I didn’t feel like I was entirely in the wrong. I just wanted to make sure there was no bad blood between us. Because how can I expect to receive forgiveness if I haven’t first extended it?

Matthew 5:24 says, “leave your gift there before the altar and go. Frist be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

When we avoid hurts, anger, and issues with each other, we imprison ourselves and give place to the devil. Reconcile your issues quickly and strive to be at peace with all men (Matthew 5:25 and Romans 12:18). 

Set The Stage for New Adult Friendships

Cultivating adult friendships isn’t easy—but here’s what my friends and I did.

We went to lunch and talked. Honestly, it felt like an interview—or, as one of my friends likes to call it, an interrogation, lol. But it worked. We communicated our expectations and took the time to really get to know each other. That was important to me, because understanding a person helps me make sense of how they think, why they make the decisions they do, and how their past and experiences shape who they are today.

I love telling this story: when I first met this friend, I had already been warned—she’s gonna be late. So when she showed up 45 minutes late to our first lunch date, and she lived only five minutes from the restaurant, I wasn’t even mad. I already knew what to expect, and that understanding kept me from being offended.

She was one of the first friends I connected with during that season—that lunch date we ended up spending  three hours in the restaurant, talking about our past, present, and future. It was amazing. Now, I’m not saying that’s the standard for every adult friendship—but it is important to establish some left and right limits.

It’s Okay If It Doesn’t Work Out

Yes, sitting down for lunch with someone new can feel awkward at first. But do it anyway—do it afraid. Embrace the awkward. Come prepared with some questions or topics. See how the energy flows. Sometimes, you’ll vibe; other times, you won’t, and that’s okay.

I remember downloading the Bumble app and meeting up with a few ladies for a cute brunch. It didn’t go anywhere. I don’t even remember their names. But the point is—I showed up. We just didn’t follow through with the friendship, and that’s perfectly fine.

There is a community for you. A sisterhood. A friendship circle that’s destined for you. And trust me—you’ll know when you’ve found it.

Where to Meet Potential Adult Friends

• Church
• Book Clubs
• Creative Classes (embroidery, dancing, painting, pottery, etc.)
• Conferences and Social Events
• Fitness Centers and Studios
• Facebook / Social Media Groups
• Intentional Friendship Apps
• Connect with some old pals

How do you know they are the ones?

• You can be authentically you (real, raw, and uncut). The side only your family sees.
• You are welcomed, accepted, and loved for you. 
• They will push and challenge you to grow
• You can laugh and cry together
• They are encouraging an uplifting
• They pray for you (right there on the spot too)
• They show up for you and your family
• They correct you and tell you when you are DEAD WRONG!

Ways to Stay Connected

• Pray for and with your friends
• Check on your strong friends. 
• Plan trips and meet-ups if you’re long distances
• Learn about their dreams and goals and hold them accountable.
• Share your passion projects with each other. 
• What can you collaborate on together?
• Find ways to show up and support them. 

Adult Friendships Takes Intentionality

Establishing adult friendships are different, slower, and requires more intention than in childhood because we have so much going on with juggling our families, careers, dreams, and life’s lemons and curve balls. However, relationships are vital. Trust God to bring you those friends, and do your part to go out and make new connections.

This blog was all about cultivating adult friendships.

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Thank You

We hope you loved exploring this topic with us. We pray it blessed you to surrender, dwell, and abide in God’s Presence. Now, it’s your turn; what stood out most to you? Drop a comment below, and let’s keep the conversation going! We can’t wait to hear your thoughts!

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